


Behind Blue Eyes

by fallenfairytale



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Also some fluff, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Era, Dark Fanfiction, Depression, Drama, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hurt Merlin, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Kinda, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Uther Pendragon's A+ Parenting (Merlin), arthus is a protective boyfriend, but it has a happy ending, fix it but actually I made everything even worse, gwaine is probably drunk in a tavern, love love love, merlin needs a hug, pinning, romcance, sensetive topics, the knights are overprotective of merlin, the knights love to make fun of everyone, this is really sad i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:00:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26644870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenfairytale/pseuds/fallenfairytale
Summary: Afte being kidnapped by Morgana, Merlin finds himself in a nightmare unlike any other. And there's no chance of escaping, or being found. His mind slowly driving him insane. But there's this mysterious shadow, who looks and sounds a lot like Arthur. He keeps him safe in the cold and dark nights. Merlin always saves everyone, but who is saving him?
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 49
Kudos: 110





	1. Cold

**Author's Note:**

> **RATING** : E (for language, violence, adult situations, scenes of torture, disturbing imagery)
> 
> **AUTHOR'S NOTE** :  
> First of all, this was not beta read, so I am sorry for any kind of mistakes :`) (if you wanna beta read for me, pleaaase hit me up hehee) Anyway, I'm back at writing something! This is my first try in writing something after two years (also my first try in the Merlin fandom) so be easy with me, I know it's not that good. But besides everything- I still, kinda, liked how the chapter turned out.... Uhm, about the multichapter thing, I have absolutely no idea how long this fic is gonna be, and if I'll finish it.. I'ma behonest here. I have never finished a single fanfiction I've written in my life, ever. So yeah, hopefully this is gonna be it, there has to be a first time for everything, right? 
> 
> Well, if you're not here for a big whump, then I am sorry. This is basically a giant, unrepentant, gratuitous pile of it. Merlin finds himself in a really bad situation, which leads to much angst, much darkness, and much much injury and pain. Merlin and Arthur picking up a terrbile time to figure out they actually love each other. This Fanfiction is my retelling of Season 4 Episode 6. Anyway, it's gonne be a rough ride for Merlin (and Arthur).... I hope you guys like the idea and my "fix it, but actually I make everything worse" of this episode or season lmao
> 
> I should probably mention, the implied rape/sexual assault comes NOT from Arthur. He would never do smth like that..
> 
> Anyway, enough of that! Hope you enjoy this!
> 
> UPDATE: there's now also a Trailer for this FF! Follow the link -> https://www.instagram.com/p/CFp3EM8IGrE/

_And I don't know  
How we make it out when we make out on the low  
Even if it rains, you would rather make it snow  
Both you and me know we gotta let it go  
Laying on the ground, wondering why it's so cold  
_

[ **\- Cold, Boy In Space** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIIdNAynO-M)

* * *

Merlin woke up when ice cold water soaked his body. Startled, he opened his eyes and gasped for air. The first thing he noticed was the sharp pain in his left side. Cold sweat rolled down his forehead and back, and he shivered. A groan of pain escaped Merlin. His hands were tied above his head, stretching his body uncomfortably. He tried to free himself, but his wrists didn't move an inch. His gaze fell and Merlin realized that it wasn't just the cold water that was dripping from his body, but also blood from his wound. White dots danced in front of his eyes and Merlin suppressed the feeling of nausea. He'd been injured with a sword, which should be a problem, but Merlin's thoughts turned to very different problems. Why wasn't he dead? Where the hell was he? The questions raged in Merlin's head, which was also pounding in pain. The last thing he could remember was that he had been outside in the woods, looking for some herbs for Gaius, when suddenly he was attacked with a sword and lost concious. Merlin slowly raised his head and tried to see where exactly he was. His vision was still blurry and it took a lot of strength to sharpen his eyes. He realizes that they are in a kind of cottage, which, however, looked very shabby, as if nobody had lived there for centuries. The only source of light came from a fire which was burning close to him.

"Good morning," suddenly came a snappy voice behind him. Merlin couldn't turn around, couldn't see the person, but he recognized their voice immediately. She strolled smoothly into Merlin's field of vision. Merlin just stared into Morgana's green eyes.

"Is that it?" Merlin answered, trying as best he could to straighten up. But his hands were slowly going numb and his legs also felt like he had just been running for days.

“Oh Merlin, don't be like that. Is that how you greet an old friend? We have so much catching up to do!"Morgana said as she grinned at him crookedly and Merlin suspected nothing good. She looked terrifyingly beautiful, as always. But behind this beauty was a bitterness that made her look sick. He immediately saw the dark circles under her eyes, which indicated many sleepless nights. Her skin was incredibly pale, her once shiny black hair, now looked dusty and broken and was tied in a messy bun. She no longer wore the once beautiful clothes that sometimes Gwen made for her back in Camelot, but a dark, black cloak that only made her appear paler. She absolutely didn't look like the woman who had lived with him in Camelot years ago. And in her green eyes, Merlin saw the hatred she felt for him.

Old friend? Maybe they used to be, a long time ago. But now? One look was enough to see the hatred and bitterness in her eyes. This was not the Morgana who stood up for every citizen against her father. She was no longer the Morgana, that wanted to save lives at all costs. No, they were definitely no friends anymore. But despite everything, Merlin felt a faint sense of pity and regret. He often wondered if everything would have turned out differently, if he hadn't listened to Kilgharrah. What if he had told Morgana about his own magic back then? Maybe she wouldn't have felt so alone and misunderstood, wouldn’t have turned evil because of the loneliness that consumed her. But it was too late for that. Merlin knew there was no point thinking about the past. What had happened was done and nothing in this world could undo it. Morgana stepped closer to him. Merlin didn't dare to take his eyes off her, continued to stare into hers with compressed eyes.  
“After all, I haven't seen you since you condemned my sister to a slow and painful death, thwarting my plans to rule Camelot. And condemned myself to live alone in a cottage, in the middle of the forest." With every word, she took a step closer to Merlin until they were almost nose to nose.

"Would you do me a favor?" he said confidently. “Let Arthur know all of this. He still thinks I'm a failure. But I am relatively proud of all these achievements. I can die happy.” Whatever game Morgana was playing, he wasn't going to play with her. She didn't scare him; he wouldn't let her get him down so easily, not under any circumstances. And if he died here, it would be with the thought that at least he'd saved Arthur. Morgana stared at him with wide eyes, shock written on her face. She didn't expect Merlin, a simple servant, to stand in front of her with his head held high, in a situation where there was almost no hope for him. Morgana had always suspected that Merlin wasn't just her half-brother's clumsy servant, there has always been something different about him. He had never approached Arthur with formalities. He had given his opinion on things, where a servant should only be silent. And yet, his courage surprised her. But as quickly as this emotion appeared, it also disappeared again and instead she laughed scornfully.

“Oh Merlin, you won't die, not yet. Oh no, no, no…” she said with a mocking grin on her face. Morgana moved so close that Merlin could feel her breath on his cheek.

"I'm not making it that easy for you," she said and her cold hand ran over his cheek.  
Merlin winced, causing the ropes he was hanging on to dig even more into his skin, but he suppressed the painful hiss that wanted to escape his lips. He was trying to not show any kind of fear. He met her gaze, but still, his body shuddered at her threats. She didn't show anger on her face, just kept smiling at him with that twisted smile, and again Merlin realizes how crazy Morgana had become over the years. Morgana's hands abruptly reached down and cupped the hem of Merlin's tunic. Merlin caught his breath. With a jerk, Morgana uncovered him. Goosebumps hit Merlin's bare skin, as the freezing cold hit his body. Morgana picked up a small cloth and unexpectedly began cleaning Merlin's wound.

“You know, Merlin. There's one thing I don't quite understand... you're just Arthur's servant, nothing more, nothing less. And yet, you have repeatedly agreed to give your life for his.”

"What are you doing?", Merlin mumbled through clenched teeth, trying to suppress the pain and shaking of his body.

"Have you never seen Gaius clean a wound before?" Morgana replied simply and again, a wicked smile crept onto her lips.

“Okay, I know what you're doing. But what I don't know is why?" He tried to sound bored, even when he felt the warm blood run down his wrists now. Morgana jerked his face and cupped his cheeks, pulling him closer again.

"I think I asked you a question first," she hissed, her eyes angry at Merlin. “Why are you so loyal to Arthur? And don't even try to lie to me.” Merlin didn't answer, his eyes glared into hers. He wouldn't tell her anything about his and Arthur's destiny and he would never admit to her that his love for the young king went far deeper than that of a simple friendship. Even if his love was not returned. Morgana's hand broke away from Merlin.

“What a shame, Merlin. You could have saved yourself so much trouble, if you would just talk to me. But believe me, sooner or later you will talk. I'll break you like you broke me. When we meet again, you'll be a different man, that's a promise.” With these words she turned around and disappeared from the cottage.

Now that Merlin was alone, he allowed the panic. His heart pounded wildly against his chest and his breathing sped up uncontrollably. Now that the adrenaline was draining from his body, the stabbing pain of his wound was noticeable to the full extent. Morgana had only treated him so far that he could not die from the consequences of his wound. She wanted to see him suffer. Merlin's chest tightened, his breathing only came intermittently. His chest felt as if a stone was laying on his chest, which made it difficult for him to breath. His eyes filled with tears and his legs slackened, so that all of his weight was now on his arms. Even though his arms were numb, he could feel the sharp pain in his wrists. His whole body ached terribly. Again, white dots danced before his eyes, but this time he did not fight the darkness, rather received it like an old friend. His last thought, however, was about Arthur, and the fact that, despite everything, he didn't regret his decision to save him. Even if it would end up costing him everything, his life, his heart. He would never regret sacrificing himself to save Arthur.

* * *

The next time Merlin opened his eyes, it was pitch black around him. The fire already burned out and Morgana was gone. He was all alone. This was his chance to escape, but Merlin couldn't move a single part of his body. His legs hung limply against his body. His wrists ached terribly and Merlin was sure they were bruised. But even if he could escape with magic, which seemed impossible at the moment, he would never get very far, not in this state. And he couldn't risk Morgana finding out about his powers, and probably him being Emrys. Her unknowing was a big advantage for Camelot and Arthur.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash that made Merlin flinch. Was she back? Merlin immediately tried to get up, but he lacked the strength, his legs did not obey him. His mouth was bone dry and his stomach rumbled softly. He didn’t know how much time had actually passed. Some days? Or has it just been a few hours? The pain and the wound were still relatively fresh, so logically it couldn't have been too long ago. And yet, it felt like forever. Would anyone look for him? Probably. Gaius was no doubt very worried and Arthur and the knights, too, would not be indifferent to his disappearance, Merlin was sure of that. But they would never be able to find him. Not here, not with Morgana.

Merlin listened to the heavy footsteps that came closer and closer. His breath stopped, and for some inexplicable, ridiculous reason, he thought that the person with him would just overlook him if he didn't move, let alone breathe. Of course, it was wishful thinking, nobody would come to this place by accident. Whoever was with him knew that he was held captive by Morgana.

"Now, what do we have here? Morgana gave me a little present?" Suddenly came a deep, male voice.

Merlin lifted his head in melancholy. A large, strong figure stood a few meters away from him, but because of the darkness surrounding them, he couldn't see who it was. There was not a single source of light. Without the fire, which had also given him a small part of the warmth, Merlin's body trembled from the cold. His upper body was still bare, and his pale skin had goosebumps. His fingers and feet felt numb and he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out in this position. Despite the little bit of sleep he got, Merlin's eyes felt heavy and it took a tremendous effort not to surrender to the darkness again. His attention was renewed when he heard heavy footsteps coming closer and closer. He’d find out soon, who was here with him.

“I absolutely don't understand why Arthur makes such a fuss for a servant. Because you are not more, Merlin, am I not right?" Merlin knew that voice. Immediately his fear turned into anger. Anger at the person he didn't trust from the start. Rightly so, as was confirmed.

"And yet, Arthur hasn't given a moment's rest since you disappeared," his voice continued. Merlin heard a faint hiss and three candles lit the previously dark room. "It's better that way, isn't it?" Agravaine muttered, stepping directly in front of Merlin. His look was full of pleasure. He enjoyed this as much as Morgana did. They were sick, both of them. Their thoughts were consumed with hatred, vengeance and anger. Merlin wanted to throw all kinds of insults at him. He was so madly angry. Agravaine was the last thing Arthur had from his family, he believed in his uncle, trusted him. And Agravaine betrayed his only nephew.

"How can you betray your own nephew just like that?" Merlin managed to get out in a rough voice. His throat hurt terribly. He saw the slap coming, before he even felt it. His cheeks burning, and the taste of blood in his mouth.

“Don’t you dare speak to me like that!”, Agravaine screamed, he grabbed Merlin's collarbone. "But it’s quite simple you know? It’s the way the Pendragons finally get what they deserve. And Morgana and I get revenge for what was taken from us." He loosened his grip around Merlin and walked away. He strolled slowly through the little room, as if looking for something special in particular. Merlin never took his eyes off him, followed his every step.

“Uther took my sister from me and cast his own daughter away. He may be dead, but his bastard son is not. Not yet." He stopped in front of a small shelf and his hands reached for an object that Merlin couldn't see at the beginning. But then Agravaine turned to him, with a crooked grin on his face, Merlin recognized a knife in his hand. The panic immediately spread in his chest, but he kept his gaze straight ahead. He tried not to show any emotion. Agravaine came back to him and stopped right in front of his face, where Morgana had recently stood. He looked at him the same way she had. Only then did Merlin realize how similar the two actually were. Not just in character, but also in appearance. Both had deep black hair, which brought out their poisoned green eyes even more.

"Mhm… What am I going to do with you, Merlin?" Agravaine whispered. He raised his arm and his rough hand slowly brushed Merlin's bare chest. He immediately tried to move away from him, but in this trapped position, he was completely at the mercy of his counterpart. Merlin squeezed his eyes together and tried to suppress a low whimper, which he didn't quite succeed with.

"Morgana told me I would be allowed to do whatever I wanted with you, as long as you stayed alive... you know, we could go ahead and work on our plan and it would be over quickly." His hand travelled away from his chest and was replaced by the small dagger. The cold metal on Merlin's skin made him shudder. “But where would be the fun in that? If there’s so much more that can be done with you.”

He brushed the blunt side of the knife over Merlin's chest, up to his neck and then lower and lower, until it stopped in front of his waistband. Merlin tried to suppress the emerging panic. For the first time in that moment, Merlin seriously thought about releasing his magic, no matter what the cost. But his actions would affect not only him, but Arthur too. And he couldn't put his life before Arthur's. He tried to get his breathing under control, tried at all costs to stay calm. Agravaine would just scare him a little, he might hurt him, but Merlin could get through that. He could survive this.

With renewed strength, Merlin straightened and stretched his body. His legs could barely hold him and he also felt fresh blood running from his wrists again. But he clenched his teeth tightly, lifted his head, and looked directly at Agravaine. It didn't take any words to understand what Merlin was telling him. He wouldn't give up so easily, he wouldn't stop fighting.

“You silly, boy. You have no idea what you're up against,” said Agravaine and with one quick movement he drew the knife over Merlin's chest. But he didn't even flinch an eyelash. He felt the burning, felt the blood dripping over his stomach. Still, his gaze was still straight ahead. It hurt, no question. But he kept looking at the image in his mind, something that gave him strength. He saw Arthur before his eyes. Laughing. There were few moments when Merlin saw his king truly laughing, which made these moments even more beautiful. The few nights where they both would stay up late, laughing over old stories (mainly about Merlin's clumsiness), but Merlin didn't care, as long as he could make Arthur laugh and free him from his duties as a king for a little while. These memories gave him strength. He had something to fight for. He would fight for Arthur.  
Agravaine stepped behind him. But to Merlin's surprise, he raised the dagger and cut the ropes that were holding him steady. Immediately Merlin's legs gave away and he fell to his knees, right in front of Agravaine.

"That’s much better," he muttered, looking down at Merlin. “That’s where you belong. On your knees.”

Merlin looked at his wrists. He could hardly move his hands, every little movement hurt and ensured that even more blood flowed from his wounds. His breathing was difficult, he fought against the emerging darkness. He couldn't give in, not now. Later, when he was alone again, he could collapse. Suddenly Agravaine grabbed Merlin's hair and pulled him to his feet. Merlin couldn't suppress the painful groan. He lifted Merlin's head and forced him to look into his eyes.

“I've been wondering what Arthur likes so much about a useless guy like you? Why he always has you close by." He pushed Merlin back with his weight and led him to the far corner of the hut. Merlin realized that there was something like a cell there. It wasn't an actual cell, it was a small room, half of Merlin's own room back in Camelot, and it was built out of a stone wall. Agravaine pressed Merlin's body against it, pinning him against the cold stone.

“So, Merlin? What is it that Arthur desires so much? Are you his little whore, huh?"

Merlin looked to the side, he tried to free himself from his grip, but he had just enough strength to even stand on his feet.

"Please ..." he whispered. He didn't even know what he was asking for, but he was scared. Terrified of what Agravaine would do. He stared at him with an animal look, like a man without a mind. Agravaine ignored Merlin's position, his begging, the pain in his blue eyes. His hand wandered over Merlin's bare chest again, brushed his nipples and up to his neck. Merlin whimpered in fear and shame. Tears welled up in his eyes, he had given up trying to fight back. His hands hung limply at his sides. He was paralyzed and just hoping it would pass quickly. Agravaine's hand moved lower and lower from Merlin's chest until he stroked Merlin through his trousers.

"You like that, don’t you?" he whispered in Merlin's ear and tightened his grip. Merlin didn't respond. He just stood there, blocking everything. The pain in his wrists, the pain from the fresh wound on his chest, and the sword wound. But he couldn't ignore the pain in his heart. Apparently Agravaine didn't like the fact that Merlin wasn't responding to him at all. He grabbed his hair again and slammed his head against the stone wall. Immediately stars danced before Merlin's eyes. A feeling of lightheadedness and nausea came over him and he felt like he was going to pass out in a few moments. His mind raced, half panic, half determined.

 _There has to be a way out of this pain, there has to be a way to make it stop_ , he thought. But right now he wasn't even sure if he could do anything. He tried to reach out for his magic, but he realized with great horror that he couldn't reach it. But he couldn't worry about it, not now. Not when Agravaine stood before him and stared at him with disgusted eyes.

"We will have our fun, Merlin." Agravaine promised. He grabbed Merlin's aching wrist and threw him into the small room and closed the heavy stone door.

There was no light in here either, there was absolutely nothing. It was wet, narrow and freezing cold. Merlin was shaking all over again, whether it was from the cold or from the shock of what had happened, he couldn't tell. He bent his legs and cupped them in his arms, making himself as small as possible. Now he couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He pressed his free hand over his mouth to silence the noises, in case Agravaine was still standing in front of the door. His breathing was quick and uneven, his heart pounding hard in his chest. He had survived so much. Getting poisoned, chased by magical creatures and much more. But this? He wasn’t sure he could survive this. Merlin could handle the physical pain, but the mental pain was a different story. Now that the adrenaline was slowly pouring out of his body, he felt his wounds again. It wouldn't be long before new wounds would appear. They would both come again, that much was certain. And their techniques would get worse, Merlin knew that too. But they wouldn't kill him that easily. Once again Merlin tried to reach for his magic, but something was stopping him, it was like it was ... gone. He felt empty, not complete. What was happening to him? His head hurt terribly and he could hardly concentrate. Thrusts of pain pulsed through his body. He felt heavy and weak. The pain became confusing and it began to affect his judgment, but despite or maybe because of it, he was still trying to stay awake. But he realized it was impossible. Exhaustion overtook him. His eyes were incredibly heavy and kept falling shut. Merlin thought he heard Arthur's voice before the darkness completely engulfed him.

He was awoken by the sound of the wind. Merlin didn’t feel any better. The cold wind crept over his bare, pale skin and made him shiver. The darkness held him prisoner and crushed him. He didn't even know whether it was day or night, his sense of time had been completely lost. Once upon a time, Merlin found the darkness satisfying. He has always loved to watch the bright sky, which was surrounded by billions of lights. They always gave him the feeling of comfort and safety, the feeling of not being alone. But for a long time now, he only associated the darkness with fear and horror. Merlin had still wrapped his arms around his skinny body, trying somehow to warm himself. His body was ice cold and the little material of his pants, which consisted of a thin, brown fabric, gave off hardly any warmth. Every bone and muscle ached, and by now, Merlin was pretty sure that his ribs were sprained, if not broken, making it difficult for him to breathe once again. But it was not just this and the old, musty air that made it unbearable for him to breathe, but also the smell of blood, sweat and illness. Smells that clearly originated from him. He could still feel the warm, thick blood flowing from his open, presumably inflamed wounds. Merlin immediately felt how he got sick and his stomach contracted uncomfortably. However, he couldn't throw up. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had something to eat or drink. But much worse was the silence around him. There wasn't a single sound. Merlin was used to being alone, he had spent most of his life alone. Back in Ealdor, he spent his childhood alone, until he met Will. And then he went to Camelot. Surrounded by so many people and yet, again alone. Always on guard, surrounded by lies. Loneliness was nothing new to him and yet it stole his last strength. This place drew all his energy out of his body and he just felt a dull emptiness deep inside. His eyes were heavy and kept closing on him. But sleep did not bring him any recovery either. Suddenly, his strength failed him completely and he sank to the cold floor and curled up in a ball. His tears silently ran down his face. He just laid there and stared into the void. For what felt like an eternity he laid like this and felt every painful spot of his body.

But suddenly he heard the sound of footsteps again. Immediately Merlin tried to make himself even smaller, tried to hide somehow, even though the thought was absolutely ridiculous. He would never be able to hide from them, not without his magic.

"No," he whispered harshly. And at the thought of the probably renewed, impending torture, more tears ran down his torn cheeks. He knew they weren't going to leave him. The steps came closer and closer, became louder and louder and penetrated deeper into his consciousness. They would take everything away from him, every last bit of hope that he still felt within himself. The creak of a door pulled him out of his thoughts again, but he felt nothing but an incredible panic that was slowly spreading. The footsteps were echoed off the walls and thrown into his direction. It all sounded distorted, as far away as if he were underwater. Slowly he lifted his head and looked in the direction where he thought the door was. But he was alone. Nobody was with him, no steps could be heard or seen. His mind was obviously playing a trick on him. But suddenly he felt a light breeze on his shoulder. He jerked around and hissed in pain. Merlin wasn't sure what exactly was happening. Was he awake? Or still sleeping? He couldn't tell. Again he felt the wind on his shoulder, which now felt like a hand. This time he didn't move. He sat completely still. Merlin didn't know if he was just imagining it, if it was a creation of his mind, but he thought he could feel someone standing behind him. To his great surprise, however, the figure made no move to abuse or torture him in any way. Merlin's eyes were closed, but he felt the figure slowly kneel in front of him, and how it wrapped a thin blanket around his body. Just at the small touch of the soft material on his skin, he groaned in pain and inevitably winced. He felt dizzy again. White dots danced in front of his eyes and again a soft whimper escaped him. The figure gently moved closer to him and put his arms around Merlin's body. It was clearly a man who was here with him. His strong, muscular arms gave him away and even if Merlin couldn't see anything, his presence felt somehow familiar.

 _Arthur_ , he immediately thought. But Merlin didn't dare to open his eyes, fearing to find out that everything was just a lousy trick. However, even if it was just a trick or a dream, he didn't care. For that one moment, he could forget.

"I'll find you, I promise," whispered a deep, manly voice gently in his ear. It sounded very much like Arthur. His hand, which had previously been on Merlin's shoulder and caressed him reassuringly, now brought a small bottle to his dry, broken lips.

"Drink," whispered his voice, Arthur's voice. The security that Merlin had felt in his arms immediately turned into a slight distrust. What if they had decided to finish it off by poisoning him, or giving him some other kind of evil potion? What if they used Arthur for that? Maybe they had realized that they wouldn't get any further with him and sent this figure, who sounds like Arthur, to end it for good.

Maybe all of this, was just a dream, maybe this… thing wasn't really with him? But it felt so real. Unwilling, Merlin shook his head and pressed his lips together tightly. A sigh escaped the figure and it moved a little closer to him. If Merlin had been able too, he would probably have withdrawn from him, but he had no strength left to do that either.

"Come on Merlin, please drink it," Arthur's voice tried again. “We don’t have much time.”  
Again the figure held the small bottle to his lips, but Merlin still didn't know if he could trust it. And he hadn't dared to open his eyes yet.

"I'm really sorry," said Arthur's voice now in a gentle tone and opened Merlin's mouth with his finger. Immediately he trickled the warm liquid into his mouth. Merlin didn't want to swallow, but the reflex to quench his thirst was much bigger. A sweetish taste, like honey, spread into his mouth, which not only quenched his thirst, but also led to the fact that his pain subsided a little and left only a light, but bearable, throb. In addition, a pleasant warmth spread inside him, which flowed through his whole body and made him incredibly tired. For a brief moment Merlin relaxed, trying to block out everything around him, everything that had happened. And the only thing he felt were the shadow's arms, which were wrapped tightly around Merlin's thin figure. In those few seconds, he allowed that feeling of closeness, just a short moment to get rid of the feeling of loneliness. Arthur's hands, or those of the Shadow, caressed his wet hair tenderly, which calmed him eerily, although it was anything but calming to be in this situation. But this little gesture made him forget all of this for a little moment. Merlin's eyes grew heavier and he knew it was because of this potion. But before he completely lost consciousness, he felt a few lips that placed a feather-light kiss on his forehead.

“You have to hold on, Merlin. I'll get you out of here as soon as I have a chance, I promise.” With that, the shadow gently pushed him aside and stood up. Merlin opened his eyes briefly and just barely recognized the outlines of a bright light and a blond head of hair before he completely passed out.


	2. Hold You

Wherever you go, I will follow  
Whenever you're low, just let me hold you  
Let me hold you  
Don't be afraid, I will show you  
I'll make it okay, just let me hold you  
Let me hold you

[\- Hold You, by Hanna Farm](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7UfWE9ICqY)

* * *

** Arthur’s POV **

"Merlin!"Arthur shouted and jerked open the wooden door to Gaius' and Merlins’ chambers.

Arthur hadn't seen Merlin all day. He had to dress himself and breakfast hadn't been brought to him either. Arthur was sure that Merlin had probably spent the previous evening in the tavern again and was still in bed.

"Good morning, my King," said Gaius, who was currently working on a new potion.

“Gaius. Have you seen my useless toad of a servant? Who didn't show up, again, this morning? And you don't have to search for any kind of excuse, I know he was in the tavern again." Arthur ran his hand over his face and scanned the room for his servant. But he was nowhere to be seen.

“Merlin? He didn't come home last night. I thought he would be with you?" Gauis asked. Arthur immediately heard the concern in the older man’s voice. 

“No, the last time I saw him was yesterday, around dinner. He went outside to gather some herbs for me, but didn't return. I thought he was with you. Didn't he tell you where he wanted to go?" Now the concern could be heard in Arthur's voice as well. Merlin often disappeared without saying where he went, but he was always back in the morning. Something was absolutely wrong here.

“I don't know, Sire. He didn’t mention anything, at least not to me,” Gaius replied.

“I’ll look into it. Don’t worry, Gaius. It’s probably nothing. We’ll find him.

Hours had passed and there was still no trace of Merlin. The patrols had searched all of Camelot. In the castle, the woods and villages all around. But nobody had seen him, or heard from him. There was no sign of life from Merlin; as if he was swallowed by the earth. 

Arthur sat nervously on his throne. He felt the eyes of his advisors on him, who were looking at him curiously. It was not normal for a king to worry so much about a simple servant. But Merlin wasn't just a normal servant, not to him. Even if he often did not treat his servant fairly, he was his best friend, if not more, which he would never openly admit. Arthur couldn't imagine life without his clumsy servant. He remembered his conversation with Guinevere all too well.

“ _Sometimes I dream of leaving Camelot.”_

_“Really? Where would you go?”_

_“I don’t know. Somewhere where nobody knew who I was. Get some land and become a farmer. Obviously I would take Merlin with me.”_

It was the truth, he would’ve taken Merlin anywhere with him. Maybe it was selfish to think that way, but Arthur believed that Merlin would always be by his side. They needed each other. They were like the moon and the sea. When the moon is there, shining over the sea, it’s raging. But the moon also calms the sea. Merlin is his moon. They tease each other, make each other wild, but he’s there, when he needs to calm down again. And Merlin, like the sea needs the moon, needs Arthur. For without it, without him, everything is out of balance. They are each other's half. So Arthur would not stop looking for him. He would search every forest, every village in the five kingdoms. 

"Sire, we have searched all forests, every village, there is no trace of him," Leon repeated. Arthur raised his hand and stopped Leon from talking. He didn't want to hear it. Merlin was out there somewhere, he knew it, could feel it.

“Don't stop searching. We won't rest until we find him,” he spoke his thoughts out loud.

"My king," Leon answered and disappeared with the rest of the knights to continue their search. Just as the gate was closing, it was opened again. Arthur sat up immediately, hoping to see Merlin. But it wasn't the black head he wanted to see that stepped into the throne room.

"Uncle," Arthur greeted as Agravaine stopped in front of him.

"Any news about your ... servant?" he asked. 

Little did Arthur know that it was all a game to Agravaine. Even in his worst nightmares, he couldn't imagine what his uncle had done to Merlin, let alone would do. 

Agravaine was Arthur's only remaining family, he didn't want to imagine that a member of his family, his own blood, would betray him like that. And yet, he was taught otherwise by Morgana. Arthur often blamed himself for what had become of his half-sister. Maybe he should have been more attentive. He had known, years ago, that Morgana had been unhappy, and yet he had done nothing to help her. But who could have known that her hatred ran so deep? He often wished he could turn back time, even if he didn't know what he would change. Morgana had felt so locked in because of her magic. Arthur could have never done anything to change it. Convince his father that magic was not evil? Definitely not. Arthur himself was not the biggest fan of magic as well, and yet, he would not repeat his father's mistakes. Magic was still forbidden, and it would probably be like that forever. And yet, it did not mean that every citizen should be executed on the slightest suspicion of using magic.

Arthur shook his head and got up from the throne.

"I'm sorry," Agravaine replied, but smiled when Arthur averted his gaze. Arthur paced nervously up and down the room while Agravaine continued to stand next to the throne, thinking about how Morgana would, hopefully, be sitting there soon.

The previous thoughts about Magic gave Arthur an idea.

"I've thought about something. If we don't find him by morning, I'll ask Gaius to help with magic," Arthur said, breaking the silence.

Immediately Agravaine's attention was back on his nephew. 

"Magic?" he said, eyes narrowed. “Arthur, my boy. I dare to remind you what happened the last time when you used magic to help.”

Arthur's expression hardened. He knew it was a risky game. Magic cost him the life of his father, that of his mother, and in a way that of his half-sister too. But what options did he have left? Whoever had Merlin in custody was nowhere to be found. And Arthur was certain that Merlin was being held captive, probably by Morgana who had used magic to cover up his traces. 

“I know, uncle. But I don't have many options. " 

He ran his hand nervously through his blond hair, which fell over his pale face.

“Is all of this worth it? For a simple servant? " 

Arthur remained silent. There would be no point in discussing it with his uncle. It was his decision what to do, for whom. And if it took magic to find Merlin, so be it.

“There’s no need to discuss this any further. My decision is made.” 

With these last words, Arthur walked out of the room.

At night, Arthur laid awake. His thoughts kept returning to Merlin. Was he still alive? And if so, what were they, whoever they were, doing to him? And what did they want from him? Yes, Arthur had thought about the fact that it was probably Morgana, but he couldn’t be sure. Not for certain. Only now did he notice how quiet his rooms suddenly appeared without Merlin's voice. In general, everything had seemed so ... quiet. All day, Arthur had thought about how much for granted he had taken Merlin. Once again, he thought back to the day Merlin had risked his life for Arthur, when he drank from that goblet, knowing that it was poisoned. The words of his father still echoed in his head.

_Why do you care so much? The boy is just a servant._

He was not. He was so much more. Merlin did things an ordinary servant would never do, let alone voluntarily. He went into fights with Arthur and the knights. He always stood by Arthur's side, facing the enemy without having any clue abouts wars and how to fight them. Merlin was at his side, with advice and action, even if Arthur often refused to listen to it. He didn't shy away from the fact that Arthur was a royal, he treated him like any other person. And that's probably what Arthur appreciated most about Merlin. All his life, Arthur was treated differently, like he was more important than anyone else. Women only wanted to share the bed with him because they, or their families, wanted his title. It was never about him as a person. 

Arthur had no friends in his childhood either. Uther had made sure that he was trained and educated from an early age, he always had little to no free time. It wasn't until Morgana joined them that Arthur first found someone to spend time with. Morgana had challenged him many times, and had often caused a lot of trouble for Arthur and herself. Those were the only memories Arthur had of someone who liked him for who he was, apart from the title. Until Merlin came. From the very first moment, where Merlin had stood in front of him, he had treated Arthur differently. And even after that, when Merlin knew who he was dealing with, he hadn't changed the way he treated him. Most found his behavior inappropriate, but it was exactly what Arthur needed, what he wanted. Merlin had restored his humanity, and the arrogant and selfish prince became an honorable king. It was still a long way to the person Merlin always seemed to see in him, but for Merlin, Arthur would keep trying.

Arthur tossed and turned in his bed. Slowly he closed his eyes, calmed his breathing and focused his thoughts on the noises that surrounded him. The crackling of the fire. The wind, which whistled through the windows. The echoing footsteps and whispering of the guards who kept watch in front of his door. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop his mind from seeing Merlin's face. A loud sigh escaped his lips. He probably wouldn't get any sleep tonight.

Arthur slowly sat up, his head ached terribly and his eyes kept falling shut. But the long-awaited sleep just didn't want to come. With one swing, he sat on the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands. The night air, warmed by the fire, danced over his bare chest and made him shudder.

"Where are you, Merlin?" he whispered into the empty room.

Arthur grabbed his cloak, which he had thrown ruthlessly on the floor next to his bed, and got up. His feet carried him automatically to the big door, which he opened with a caustic sound. Immediately his guards' concerned eyes fixated on the room behind him, ready to attack. 

"Sire, are you all right?" one of them asked. Arthur had to admit that he couldn't remember his name. 

His own knights, from the round table, were all also shaken up by the fact that Merlin was gone, especially Gwaine suffered a lot. Arthur felt always a little jealous when he saw Gwaine and Merlin together, afraid that Merlin would seek a better friend in Gwaine than he had in Arthur. Or maybe, Arthur was afraid that Merlin would see a little more than just a friend in Gwaine.

"I'm fine. I just wish to pay Gaius a visit,” he replied, adding, "You don't have to come with me."

"We have been instructed not to leave your side, Sire."

A sharp look in the direction of the man was enough and the guard looked down and nodded in silence.

Arthur, however, did not go directly to Gaius chambers. For a while he walked through the castle. Tried to organize his thoughts, to make a plan on how he could help Merlin. But nothing was good enough. They could keep searching for him. But for how long? Uther had been looking for Morgana for two years. And see what had become of her. No, Arthur wouldn't wait two years to find Merlin, if he even was still alive at all. Morgana had been of far more value to bandits than a simple servant. They kept her alive, but Merlin? They would probably hold him to get information. But to them, Merlin was probably just a simple servant, with no worth. Little did they know, Arthur would start a war for Merlin. And if Morgana was the one who had captured Merlin? Well, she would probably know that Arthur would not rest until he found him. That much she should know. But even if Morgana was the one who had captured Merlin, she probably wouldn’t have much use for him either. So the chances were very slim that Merlin would survive long. But at the moment Arthur didn't want to think about that. Truth be told, he would like to think about nothing at all right now. 

He could never have imagined how much it would burden him to be without Merlin. Truly, he couldn't imagine life without him. This knowledge hit him hard. Arthur had never thought much about what his future would look like. But when he allowed himself to dream, in those rare moments, Merlin was always by his side. However, he had never noticed how dependent he was on Merlin, not until now. Whatever it was, what he felt for Merlin, it was far more than an ordinary friendship, more than brothers. He shook his head. He didn't have time for such thoughts at the moment. There were more important things.

Arthur had kept his head bowed the whole time, so he hadn't noticed that he was now standing right in front of Gaius' door. He could see through the crack under the door that the candlelight was still burning. Of course, Gaius probably wouldn't be able to sleep either. Not until Merlin was safely back here in Camelot. Arthur knocked softly on the door while he called Gaius by his name. It was a strange feeling. He had only been here this morning, thinking that Merlin had been in the tavern again. How much he wished Merlin had just been there. 

Gaius called his name softly. No Sire, or King. Just Arthur. The mood was suddenly very different from how it had been this morning. Now, both of them were worried, their thoughts clinging on the same person. Gaius sat in front of his table, but it didn't look like he was working on anything. Presumably, he had been sitting there for hours and thinking about Merlin. After all, Merlin was like his own son, it had to be difficult for him too. Arthur walked slowly to the old healer and sat down next to him.

“Is everything alright?” Gaius asked carefully. Arthur raised his gaze and looked into the tired eyes of the man across from him. For the first time, Arthur realized how old Gaius actually was. All the years were written on his face. But now, he looked even older. His eyes were glassy, he probably had shed a few tears. Dark circles under the eyes adorned his face.

"I'm fine," Arthur muttered. He didn't even remember how many times he had said those two words today. And nobody questioned it. For a King, it was not right to show any kind of weakness. At least that was what Uther had put on him all these years.Gaius gave him a crooked smile. 

“You’re not, and that’s alright, Arthur. We are all worried.”

Arthur nodded silently and lowered his gaze to his hands, which were taut in his lap.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Gaius asked and gave the king an encouraging smile.

Arthur was close to tears. Not just because of Merlin’s disappearance. The whole situation he found himself in was bizarre. His father would have never shown him that kind of affection. But just - in such moments, Arthur longed for someone who just saw him for what he really was. A man who had to grow up way too fast. But he suppressed the tears, this was not the time to break down. He was here for a reason.

"I need your help. You have a past with magic, Gaius. Tell me, how do I contact the Druids?" 

Immediately he saw the uncertainty in Gaius' face.

“Arthur I- why do you wish to know that?” he asked confusedly. Arthur slid into his chair uncomfortably. 

“I want to ask for their help, to find Merlin.”

He regretted his decision now that he had said it aloud. What was he thinking? Even if he could find the druids, what reason would they have to help him? He and his father had slaughtered their kind, like animals. They had to live in fear, always on the run. There was no reason why they should help the King of Camelot. And yet, what was his other option? Every hour, every second, endangered Merlin’s life. Even though his advisors and his uncle told him more than once that Merlin might have left voluntarily, Arthur knew that this couldn't be true. Merlin would never leave without saying goodbye to him, Gaius, or the knights. Besides that, Arthur couldn't imagine Merlin leaving him just like that. No, he was definitely taken prisoner, Arthur sensed it.

"Sire, are you sure about this?" Gaiu's voice tore him from his thoughts. Was he sure? Not at all. But he would risk it for Merlin.

“Yes, I am sure. I am not very fond of the thought of using magic again, but what choice do I have left? Gaius, if Merlin was really captured, every second counts. And I cannot sit around the castle, doing nothing, waiting for him to return. I- I cannot lose him.”

A small smile crossed Gaius' lips. It had always been clear to him that the bond between Merlin and his King went far deeper than it appeared. Even if the two couldn't quite admit it to each other.

“Okay, if you’re sure. I might know of a camp where the Druids hide. But- I can’t assure you, that they’re still there. And you will have to go alone.” 

Gaius slowly got up and went to one of his cupboards and rummaged through the books. Arthur saw him pull out a small piece of paper which he then placed in front of Arthur.

"It's a map which will lead you right to the camp," he said simply, but there was a certain fear in his voice. He was worried what Arthur would think, why he had such a map. Normally Arthur would have been more concerned, but at the moment he didn't care for whatever reason Gaius had such a map in his possession. Maybe he should have thought about it more. It was only this morning that his uncle had confronted him again with the suspicion that there was a traitor in their ranks. His uncle had accused everyone, his loyal knights, who would never betray him and yes, he had mentioned Gaius too. But Gaius was a loyal friend. And over the years, he had been convicted many times, just because of his past with magic. Arthur would not repeat that mistake. It would be a lie if he said that sometimes he did not feel suspicious of Gaius. But still, he trusted him. Gaius would never do anything that would harm him or the crown.

“Thank you so much,” Arthur replied, the relief in his voice couldn't be ignored. He jumped up immediately, he wasn't going to waste anymore time.

“Arthur? Be careful, and bring him home.”

“I will.”

* * *

After seeing Gaius, Arthur immediately changed his clothes and made his way to the stables. Now he had been riding through the woods for what felt like hours. His only source of light was the shining full moon in the sky and the stars that watched over him. He rode through thick forests, where even the natural source of light could not help him. For a few moments Arthur remained in the same place, not sure which direction to take. In the dark of the night it was almost impossible to see exactly where he was going. The only sounds that penetrated the night were the chirping of the grasshoppers, the hooves of his horse trudging across the forest floor and the leaves blowing in the wind. With other circumstances, Arthur would say it was relaxed. He had always loved the night. At night, he had a few moments to just himself. Not as prince or king, the night was his alone. Arthur had no duties and responsibilities, he didn't have to play someone he wasn't. He could be himself, for once. Just like when he was around Merlin.

Arthur didn't know what to expect if he found the camp. What if the druids attacked him immediately? Wouldn’t even let him speak? Arthur wasn't going to attack them. It felt wrong to go seek them out and be the one to attack. But what should he do if they attacked him first? Once again Arthur's head pounded with hundreds of questions. But what worried him most was what to do if the druids refused to help or couldn't help him. Magic was the only thing that could find Merlin now, there was no other way, this was his only chance. He had to find the druids. However, what Arthur didn't know, was that the druids had already found him and were lurking in the shadows of the trees, watching the king curiously.

A crack of the branches made Arthur sit up and abruptly stop his horse.

“Hello? Is there someone?” he shouted into the empty night.

The leaves rustled around him and he heard footsteps. Arthur waited anxiously to see what would happen next. Suddenly he saw some figures emerging from the depths of the forest. 

_The Druids_ , he thought. They wore dark robes which they had drawn low over their faces. Arthur couldn't say exactly how many there were.

“Are you the Druids? If yes, I seek your help,” he called. His horse pranced impatiently.

"Why should we help you, King Arthur?" answered a voice, coming from his left side. The figure stepped closer to him and pulled off the hood from his head. In front of Arthur stood now an older man with long gray hair. Arthur didn't see any emotions in his face. No hate, no anger. Even though he would have had every right to hate Arthur.

“Because I need your help to find someone. Someone who’s very dear to me. You don’t have to do it for me, I know there’s not a single reason why you should help me, but do it for him. He’s my manservant. His name is Merlin, and he’s innocent. He has never hurt a Druid and he needs my- your help. Please, I wouldn’t have come here, if I didn’t have another choice.” 

He was desperate. Arthur needed their help. And if it wasn't for him, then for Merlin. He was innocent in all of this, he had nothing to do with Druids. They needed to help him.

The druid kept his eyes on Arthur. It was deathly quiet around him. The sounds of the forest, which he had previously found relaxing, were as though swallowed by the ground. Patiently, Arthur waited for the man to say something.

“Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do, to help you, my King. This is out of our reach. All we know is that Merlin was captured by Morgana. And her magic is so much stronger than those from all of us,” the man finally answered. 

But it wasn't the answer Arthur had hoped for. Immediately all the blood drained from his face. 

_No,_ he thought. _That can’t be it._

He had already guessed that Morgana had her hands in it. But she couldn't possibly be so powerful that an entire clan couldn't defeat her. Arthur wouldn’t ask the druids to fight a war, he just needed something that led him to Merlin. With a jerk he swung from his horse and was now facing the man directly.

“Please, I will do anything you want. I won’t punish you, or anyone here, for using magic, I swear. You only have to help me, to find him. Everything else is up to me. I don’t want any one of you to fight against her.” 

Arthur was normally not someone to beg. He never begged for anything, never had to. But this time, it was different. He felt helpless, with no clue what to do. Normally, it was Merlin who gave him some surprisingly wise advice. But he wasn’t here, not this time. It was up to Arthur now, and Arthur alone.

“I just- He needs me,” he mumbled, more to himself.

He looked the man right in the face and where before he could not recognize any kind of emotions, he now saw pity. And then he understood. They wanted to help, but didn’t know how either. Great, his last chance just died right in front of him.

“I’m sorry that I bothered you. I thought- I don’t know, I just thought if someone could help, it would be you.” He turned his back on the man and led his horse by his side, not bothering to get up again.

“Wait,” he suddenly heard another voice, this of a woman. He turned around and saw a young woman with long brown hair approaching him. The older man gave her a sharp look, as if he didn't approve of her stepping out of the ranks.

“There might be something, or rather someone, that can help you,” she said with a trembling voice.

“Evadne, no one has seen it in centuries. We’re not even sure it exists,” the old man said again. 

Arthur was confused. What were they talking about? Of someone, or something?

“What is it you’re talking about? Please, tell me,” he tried again. He could see the fear in the eyes of the woman, Evadne, and he wasn’t even sure if he really wanted to know what they were talking about.

“There are stories about a magical creature, called the Suriel. He knows… everything. He’s older than time itself. But no one has ever seen it, so no one is sure if it really exists. There are rumors, of course, that it can be found in the northern woods,” Evadne told him.

It wasn’t exactly the information Arthur had seeked, but it was definitely something. Now, all he had to do was find this creature.

“Thank you, so much,” Arthur answered. Once again, he turned his back on the Druids and got up on his horse. There was no more time to waste. Arthur could already see that daylight was approaching. He’s been out here longer than he had thought. 

“Sire,” the man called after him. “If you want to find the Suriel, you’ll need a dead chicken, to lure it to you.” And with that, the Druids now turned their backs on him, and went back into the shadows of the forest.

* * *

The dead chicken hung limply from Arthur's saddle. He had killed it on the way and was now on the border to the northern forest. The sun was slowly rising on the horizon and made the forest around him shine in various shades of gold, orange and yellow. He wasn’t even sure if the Suriel existed, or if he could catch him. But it was his last chance now. He prayed to every god, that it would work. Arthur saw a tree, where he could climb on, while he waited for his trap to catch the Suriel. He didn’t even know what the Suriel looked like, but a feeling told him that he would know, as soon as he saw the creature.

Something woke him. Arthur must have fallen asleep on the tree. Startled, he sat up and almost lost his balance. 

"Shit," he muttered. 

Something was not right. The sun should already be high in the sky, but it was cloudy and gray around him, almost as if the night was to come again. But he couldn’t have been asleep for that long, it certainly didn't felt like it. And then he saw that his trap had worked. He had stretched a net, which now had wrapped itself tightly around the creature. Arthur had no idea what kind of creature he was looking at, but something told him that this was exactly the creature he was looking for. With one leap he jumped off the tree and landed right in front of the creature's feet. It immediately raised her gaze and Arthur caught his breath. He stared into its eyes, which were nothing more than swirling pits of milky white. In front of him was a creature that looked a lot like a human, but also not. It’s body was tall and thin, veiled in dark thin robes, so that you could see it’s bones through it. Even though it’s arms and legs had the shape of the human body, though much thinner, spindy and scabby, it was sitting like an animal. It’s back was hunched and its head looked a lot like a skeleton, totally bald. Its skin had the color of a rainy sky. Dark and grey. 

“Who are you, to capture me?” its voice echoed through the forest. It was as if there were many more people talking, young and old. Beautiful, but also grotesque. Arthur didn’t know how to react. While talking, the creature had revealed its grey and horrifically large teeth.

“I’m looking for the Suriel. But I have a feeling that I found it, didn’t I?” Arthur answered, trying to sound confident. The Suriel made a sound, which sounded a lot like a hissing.

“You seek answers, but it seems like you already have them, young King.” The Suriel didn’t move a bone, didn’t even try to escape, even though it probably could. If it really was older as time itself, and powerful enough to know… everything, then surely it should be easy for it to just kill Arthur. But it didn’t look like it wanted to kill Arthur. It just sat there, eyes gazing into Arthur’s. 

“I need your help, to find my friend. His name is-” 

“Merlin,” the Suriel interrupted him. “I know why you’re here, Arthur Pendragon. The witch Morgana captured your mate, and now you need my help, isn’t that so?” 

“Yes, he’s my manservant, my friend.”, Arthur answered, shivering. Suddenly, the air around him just got colder. “Will you help me?” he asked again.

“He’s not just a friend, my King. He’s your other half, a part of your being,” it answered quietly.

“That’s not what I need to know! I need to know where or how I can find him!” Arthur was getting impatient. He didn’t have the time for games and things he didn’t want, or needed to know. All he wanted was for this creature to tell him, where to find Merlin.

“You’re not listening, young King,” it said again. “Now, would you free me?”

Arthur got angry. Everything he did, was for nothing. Why would no one help him?

“No! You haven’t helped me yet, I’ll let you free, as soon as you showed me how to help Merlin!” Arthur raised his voice.

Suddenly, the Suriel closed its eyes, and started speaking in a language Arthur couldn’t understand. _Shit,_ he thought. _He’s gonna use magic now._

“ _wîsian him of hê, mâl lecgan med−in._ ” The Suriel opened its eyes again. Its long, bony fingers reached through the net. “Take this and give it to him.” 

The creature handed him a small bottle, with an orange, slightly glowing liquid in it.

“What? What is this? And what do you mean with giving it to him? To whom?” Arthur was more confused than ever. Why couldn’t anything be easy for once?

“You asked me for a way to help your mate, so I’m giving you exactly that. You will see him, and you will give him this drink. It will help him, he needs it.” 

Arthur didn’t understand why the creature was doing this. But he didn’t get the chance to ask more questions, or to question why he suddenly was feeling so incredibly tired. His eyes closed and he fell to the ground. Unconscious.

He was in a hut, alone. Where the hell was he? How did he get here? Arthur looked around. Nothing here seemed familiar. It was cold and dark, only a little fire burning lightened the room.

“Hello?” Arthur said quietly. He was sure that he was the only person in this hut. He took small, quiet steps, in case that someone was here with him. But it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Because Arthur quickly realized that he wasn’t really here. He tried to touch the cabinet which was next to him, but his hand just went through it. _Was he dead?_ But then he remembered. The Suriel. Arthur lowered his gaze and saw the tiny bottle in his hand again. Merlin. He was supposed to give it to him. So he must be here. But where was he? Arthur scanned the room again. The only thing noticed were two ropes, which hung loosely from the ceiling. And the blood that covered the ground, right underneath it. He gasped. _Was he too late?_ But then, he suddenly heard a quiet whimpering. It was coming from right behind him. And then he saw the stone door. Arthur almost ran to it. He wanted to open the door, but remembered he couldn't touch the stuff. How was he supposed to open the door? His hand reached for it, but he realized that he could just go through it.

When Arthur saw what was right in front of him, tears filled his eyes.

“Merlin,” he whispered. _Or what was left of him_ , he thought. Merlin laid on the ground, only in his trousers, knees drawn to his chest, his blood covered arms wrapped around them. There was so much blood.

“What did they do to you?” Arthur quietly said and walked over to his friend. But Merlin didn’t react, not immediately. He could hear Merlins whimpers, whispering something that sounded like a “no”. Arthurs heart was breaking. 

He walked around Merlin, on his other side. That’s when Merlin's head snapped up. He looked at the door, his eyes wide with fear. He still hadn’t noticed Arthur behind him. Slowly, Arthur reached out his arms and brushed Merlin's shoulder. He was ice cold, shivering. Merlin immediately flinched under his touch, and a painful sound escaped his lips, as he turned towards Arthur, his eyes closed. Arthur could feel the tears running down his cheeks. Steadily, Arthur got on his knees, right in front of Merlin, who still refused to open his eyes. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Arthur had a blanket in his hands. It must have been a trick from the Suriel. Carefully, he threw the blanket over Merlin's body, who responded with another painful cry. Arthur was scared to touch him, scared he would cause him more pain. But right in this moment, he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around the broken man in front of him. Protectively, he enveloped Merlin, slowly caressing his shoulder. Arthur didn’t even think about why it was possible for him to touch Merlin, to feel him, when he couldn’t even grab a cabinet or door. All that mattered now, was the man in his arms.

“I’ll find you, I promise,” he whispered, not sure if Merlin could hear him, if he was even awake. He suddenly remembered the potion that the Suriel gave him. He wasn’t sure if he could trust this creature, but honestly, it brought him here, to see Merlin. So why would it want to hurt him now?

“Drink,” Arthur whispered. He could immediately feel how Merlin tensed in his arms. Of course, why would he trust him? He probably thought it was some kind of magic trick from Morgana. Merlin shook his head, eyes still closed, his lips pressed together. A sigh escaped Arthurs lips and he moved closer to Merlin's body.

"Come on Merlin, please drink it," Arthur tried again. “We don’t have much time.”

Again he held the small bottle at Merlin's lips. But he still refused.

"I'm really sorry," said Arthur's voice now in a gentle tone and opened Merlin's mouth with his finger. Again, Merlin got tense in his arms, but as soon as he swallowed the liquid, he relaxed against Arthur’s chest. Slowly he raised his hands, caressing Merlin's wet hair. Arthur almost forgot that he wasn’t really here, that Merlin was still gone and he had no idea where. But he couldn’t leave him, not yet. Something bursted in his heart, while looking at Merlin. He then lowered his lips, and pressed a feather-light kiss on Merlin's forehead, not caring that he was covered in blood and mut.

“You have to hold on, Merlin. I'll get you out of here as soon as I have a chance, I promise.”

Suddenly Arthur felt how his body was waking up. 

“NO!” he screamed. He couldn’t leave Merlin, he had to stay. “Merlin!” he screamed. But it was too late.

With a loud gasp Arthur opened his eyes and he was back in the forest, the Suriel still staring at him.

“I gave you what you wanted, now let me go,” it hissed. Arthur was still a little shaken up. 

Then heard it. A loud, low growl. Which was not coming from the Suriel. Both of them snapped around, gazing in the dark forest. With a loud roar, another magical creature burst out of the depth of the forest. It was almost as tall as a tree, the torso of a muscular man. From its waist down, it was covered in black fur, like a wolf. Another loud roar escaped the creature, which sent shivers down Arthurs spine. Its clawed hands were reaching out for him, or the Suriel. He wasn’t sure. Arthur couldn’t stop staring at its head, which looked like an animal, but no animal Arthur had ever seen. Red eyes, long fangs, with horns similar to those of a goat, but much bigger and branched out like the crown of a tree. Arthur should run. Right now and just leave the Suriel. But he couldn’t. Something snapped in Arthur and he was moving fast. He grabbed his sword, and cut the net which held Suriel down. Immediately, it turned to Arthur and he thought _that’s it, it's gonna kill me now_. But the Suriel just looked at him.

“Remember my words, Arthur Pendragon. You and your mate are two halves of another.” 

And with that, the Suriel escaped into the depths of the forest, but not without attacking the monster with a spell first. Arthur grabbed his horse, jumped on his back. And rode as fast as he could, back home, back to Camelot. Behind him he still heard the angry roar of the monster, who was still captured by the Suriels spell. 

* * *

_wîsian him of hê, mâl lecgan med−in_ = show him, what he seeks to see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, we have Chapter two!!!  
> I was struggeling so hard with writing this. But then, once I knew where I would go with it, well- I couldn't stop. As you can probably tell because it's SO LONG! Anyway, hope you liked it? <3
> 
> Also, cookie for everyone who knew what a Suriel is and where I got it from heehe!  
> For those of you who don't know, take a look at him! Suriel (https://acourtofthornsandroses.fandom.com/wiki/Suriel)  
> And I've also got a picture from the other creature without a name (https://www.pinterest.de/pin/609534130788758662/) lmao
> 
> OH! And a big thank you to RubberDuckiez (you can find her on ff.net) who beta read this story for me! :)


	3. Silence looks good on you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already put a trigger warning at the beginning of this fanfiction, but once again, there's a trigger warning in this chapter for explicit describtion of rape, sexual assault and torture.

Broken, I had no love for myself.  
And I was a victim of your hands.

Your hands, on me.  
I see it on repeat.  
  
When you put me in a corner tears in my eyes afraid.  
Then you lay me on the ground with my head down and you say:  
"Silence looks so good on you. Darling don't you think so too?"  
Silence looks good on you. Silence looks good on you.

[ \- Silence looks good on you, by Rachel Taylor ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4X2AzNp1jYk)

* * *

“Wake him up”, Morgana said harshly. Agravaine walked over to the motionless body on the ground, and roughly kicked Merlin in the stomach. Merlin immediately responded with a painful groan, but he still didn’t move.

“Again!” When Merlin felt the next kick, his stomach contracted uncomfortably. Agravaine grabbed his hair and yanked his head up.

“Well, look who finally woke up.” Merlin slowly opened his cloudy eyes. His head was throbbing, probably from the lack of water and food. But besides that, he felt a little better. And then he remembered. Some had been here, someone had helped him, hold him. Merlin remembered Arthur's voice, and he could swear that he had seen his blonde hair. But it was impossible, wasn’t it? He couldn’t have been here. But if not him, then who was the man who had brought him this potion and the blanket which was both gone now. maybe it all had been a dream after all. Still, Merlin couldn’t explain the way his wounds didn’t hurt that much anymore, someone had definitely done something to him, and it hadn’ been Morgana nor Agravaine.

“Now, Merlin. You probably have a million questions. Well, I’m feeling generous enough to give you some answers, but only if you play along.” Morgana said with a low voice. She walked over to where Merlin was still sitting on the ground, and stood next to Agravaine.

“It has come to my attention that Gaius has some information about a certain… Sorcerer. And I’m pretty sure you have heard this name as well. So, Merlin, what is it that you and Gaius are hiding about Emrys?”

Merlin couldn’t even hold his head up **,** he felt so weak. His legs shook though he was sitting. Everything hurt and it was still hard to breath. Suddenly, Agravaine walked closer to him, and once again, kicked him in his stomach. This time, Merlin fell over, his body responding right away. Tears were streaming down his face, as he vomited on the floor.

“Answer her!” Agravaines voice echoed loud through the cell. 

“I-” Merlin tried, but his throat was dry and his voice weak. Everything hurt, every muscle, every bone. He wanted to cry. “I don’t know Emrys.”, he finally said, his voice shaking.

“I know you’re lying, Merlin. There’s something you’re not telling us. And if you won’t tell us voluntarily, well, then we have to get it out of you by force. It is your choice.”

Merlin recognized the fear and despair in her voice. Morgana was scared. Afraid of him. But Merlin didn't understand why? How did she know about _Emrys_? He felt the bile rise in his throat, he was suffering but he knew he had to hold on. He had to hold on for Arthur.

"I've never heard of anyone named Emrys before," he said again.

Morgana screamed, angry and loud, and crouched down in front of Merlin. Her hands grabbed his hair and yanked his head upwards, forcing him to look into her eyes. But she didn't stop. She suddenly jumped to her feet again and pulled Merlin with her. A painful moan escaped him as he was forced to stand on his feet. Merlin gasped and the world seemed to spin around him. Panic slowly took over as, for a moment, a way out of this pain began to seem more and more unrealistic. His head felt eerily light, everything spun around in a blur of motion and his legs could barely carry him. Merlin felt weak, sweat covering every inch of his skin and hands, which were trembling out of control. He was exhausted and the pain took its toll on him. For a second he considered listening to what his body was so obviously trying to tell him, To stop, just give up and drop to the floor. Instead he grunted, determined to block out the pain and ignore the voices begging him to stop fighting it. Merlin wouldn’t give up, not yet.

“You’ve been living with Gaius for years. You knew about the Druids, back when I discovered my magic, so do not lie to me, Merlin! You must know what I’m talking about” Her grip was strong in his hair and he suppressed another painful groan.

“You know, Morgana," Merlin started. “Even if I would know anything, I wouldn’t tell you. I would never betray Arthur.”

His gaze laid strongly on Morgana's. Merlin was holding his breath, he didn’t even blink. That’s when Morgana totally lost it. With a strong push, she thrust him away from herself. Merlin was stumbling, his shaky legs immediately gave out under his weight and he fell on his knees, gasping painfully.

“You think what you’re doing is smart? Protecting your King? Tell me, Merlin. Do you think he’s looking for you? I don’t think so. You’re nothing but a servant! Arthur’s little toy.” 

Merlin tried to ignore what she was saying, because he knew it wasn’t true. Morgana walked closer to him, so Merlin crawled backwards until his back bumped against the stony, cold wall. But Morgana didn’t stop. She walked closer and closer. Merlin’s bare back was painfully pressed against the wall, and he could already feel how small wounds were aroseing because of the sharp stones. The warm liquid, running down his back. But though, he didn’t flinch away. 

“Think about it, Merlin. What is your purpose in Arthur's life? Cleaning after him, bringing him food, dressing him? That's it. I don’t even know why you’re staying with him. He treats you as if you’re nothing. But you are nothing, aren’t you? Or is there more, huh?” 

Once again, Merlin looked straight into her eyes, not showing any kind of emotion.

“Maybe-”, she whispered, and crouched in front of him again. Her hand reached out for his bruised cheek, slowly stroking it. 

“- there is more, isn’t there? Are you Arthur’s fuck mate, Merlin? Is that why he keeps you around? Someone to have fun with. Someone to fill the void, Gwen had left inside him, when she had left him for Lancelot? Oh- you poor boy.”, she said quietly, and a crooked smile flicked over her lips.

“No one had ever loved you, am I right? You’re always just something people like to use for their benefits... “ Her hand moved from his cheek, over his neck, down his chest. 

Merlin closed his eyes, ignoring the words that came out of her mouth. He knew she was wrong. He had people who loved him deeply. His mother, Gaius, Gwaine, even the other knights, they were his friends. And of course, Arthur, who was not his fuck buddy, or whatever Morgana wanted to make him believe. He was his friend, his mate, even though Arthur might not see him as exactly that, but he surely didn’t think of him as just- his servant. There had to be more than that. Merlin only realized that he was crying when he felt the wet drops on his face. He shook his head. _No!_ he thought. _She’s trying to manipulate you!_ But either way, hearing his biggest insecurities out loud, it hurt. Ever since he had been here, in this hell, he had asked himself if Arthur was really out there, looking for him. And with every passing hour, the hope in his heart died. Merlin was sure that Arthur would be searching for him, but sooner or later he would give up, he needed to give up if he couldn’t find him. 

Besides, Merlin already knew that they wouldn’t find him, not without using any kind of magic. Morgana was a powerful witch, she had probably caused a spell on her hut, to make it impossible for anyone to find it. So giving the chances, there was not much hope left, Arthur would never willingly turn to magic for help, not even for Merlin. Immediately his mind went back to the person who had visited him that night. It couldn’t really have been Arthur, there was absolutely no explanation. Maybe it really was a dream, and Merlin had been able to heal himself with his own magic. _That must have been it,_ he thought. 

Morgana's cold hand was still on his naked body, her eyes analyzing every scar, old ones and new ones. She was ignoring his wet eyes, too fascinated by the white and red marks on his skin. Once upon a time, before Merlin had become the servant of Arthur, his body had been flawless. But as the years had gone by, it changed. Saving Arthur's life, came not without any battle scars. There was a large scar right in the middle of his chest, his first scar, caused by Nimueh. Followed by so many more scars, little ones, big ones, deep ones and tiny scratches, they all looked different, and were caused by different weapons. But they all had one thing in common; every single one was the result from protecting Arthur. Yet, Merlin was not ashamed of them. They were a part of him, a reminder of all the battles he had silently fought and won. There was a time, when the first wounds wouldn’t disappear anymore, where he felt sorry for himself, hated the way these red and white, ugly scars were covering his body. Sometimes, he could even still feel the pain and it made him so angry. But in the end he had realized that there was nothing he could do about them. Maybe there was some kind of spell, to make them go away, but that just felt wrong, as if he was denying who he was and what he had done. Merlin had denied his true nature for too long, so he wouldn’t start again. No, these scars were a part of him, made him who he was. One day, he had realized that. It was not about ignoring his scars. It was about letting them become a part of him. The ones on his bodies and the ones on his souls.

“So many scars… All for Arthur, am I right?” Morgana suddenly broke the silence, her nails painfully digging in his skin.

 _Would this ever stop?_ he thought. _The pain, the torture, everything?_ He couldn’t move. His body was shivering, caused by the pain and coldness. He didn’t dare to move a single bone, as if moving would make her attack him. He felt like one of those deers, when they had gone hunting with the dogs. The prey stands still, until it realizes that they are targeted by the hunter. And in that moment, they get into some kind of shock. They stop breathing, stop making any noises, as if it would make them invisible from their attacker. And once they dare to move, preparing to run away, the actual haunt only begins. Right in this moment, Merlin was the prey and Morgana was the hunter.

“What a shame that, no matter how many times you miracily save his life, he will never see you as equal.” She then raised her free hand and put it under his chin.

“You will tell me exactly what you know. I don’t know who you’re protecting, but soon you will realize that you mean nothing to Arthur, or anyone else. My dear Merlin… you are nothing but a puppet in this little game.”

With a loud sigh Morgana got up on her feet again, turning to Agravaine who was still standing in the door frame. Merlin had totally forgotten that he had been standing there the whole time. 

“Agravaine”, Morgana called out. The man had been silent through it all, waiting for his queen to give him any orders. He had learned the hard way, what could happen, if you would interrupt the witch.

“Yes. my lady?”, he answered and bowed in front of her, his eyes not leaving Merlin's frame.

Even though his back hurt terribly, Merlin still didn't dare to move away from the wall. He tried to make himself as small as possible, praying that this had been all for today, that they would just leave him alone. But his hopes were crushed when Morgana spoke up again.

“It’s your turn. Do with him what you want, have your fun, just keep him alive.” And with that, she left them alone.

Slowly, Agravaine walked over to Merlin, who was breathing heavily. The words echoing in his head. _Have your fun._ She obviously couldn’t mean- … that. But something in Agravaines' gaze told Merlin that it was exactly that kind of fun she had meant. 

“Please....”, he whispered. Not really sure what he was asking for. For him to leave him alone? To help him? Realize that all of this, teaming up with Morgana was a huge mistake? He didn’t know. The only thing Merlin was sure of right now, was the fear he suddenly felt. He could accept the torture from Morgana, words that were supposed to break him. He could even accept the wounds and scars on his body. But this? The man in front him, the way he was looking at his body, Merlin was not sure he could take that.

This time, it was Agravaine who kneeled in front him. His large, strong hands reached out for Merlin's skin, slowly caressing his neck. Merlin tried to move away, his back pushing more against the wall behind him, but there was no way of escaping. He couldn’t get up, could not run away, even if he wanted to. His body was still too weak.

Agravaines left hand was now moving over Merlin's chest, over his nipples, while he was suddenly pushing his right hand on Merlin's groin, over his trousers.

Merlin could not stop the tears. He clenched his teeth tightly, refusing to make any sound. His heartbeat was racing, as was his breathing. All he wanted was to get up and run as far away as possible,to push the man away, fight him. But he felt paralyzed. His whole body was frozen, while his mind was screaming at him to move, to do something. Merlin tried to reach for his magic, not caring if Agravaine would see him using magic, but it didn’t work. No matter how hard he tried, it felt as if there was an invisible wall, keeping his magic locked away, so far out of reach. Instead, Merlin raised his arms, tried to push him away, but he had no strength left. Some of his wounds had started bleeding again, and the fact that he hadn't had anything to eat or drink, made everything much worse. He was so exhausted and tired. It took all of his last power to resist the feeling of closing his eyes and just giving in. All he wanted was to let go, to not be able to feel what was happening with him.

The older man crawled over Merlin, his body pushing him down. A silent whimper escaped Merlin, as he felt Agravaines weight on top of him.

“It’s only fair of my nephew to share his little toys, don’t you think?” he whispered in Merlin's ear.

His strong hands were playing with the bottoms of Merlin's trousers. And within a few seconds, Merlin was completely naked. The cold, stone ground drilled in his body, which sent a painful stream through him. He was shaking uncontrollably, everything felt numb and everything hurt so bad.

 _Please just make it stop_ , he begged inside his head. Why was no one saving him? Just this once, Merlin was the one who needed help. He'd always been the one to save everyone, but who would save him?

The tears were now streaming down his face, and he could no longer keep the sobs inside.

Agravaines hand was now on his thigh, moving all the way up to his manhood. He roughly put his hand on Merlin's member, painfully stroking it, even though the younger man's body was not responding at all. But that didn’t stop him, on the contrary, he was enjoying this. His hips were jerking against Merlin’s leg, and a loud groan escaped the older man on top of him. All Merlin could do was hope that it would be over soon. He turned his head away, focusing on the wall to his left. Merlin felt numb, nothing made sense anymore. How did he end up here? What had gotten him in this situation? He could have fought more, tried to find out what was wrong with his magic. Instead, he had given up, accepted what was happening. 

“Come on, boy. Is that all you got?”Agravaine groaned, his lips pressing against Merlin's ear, as his body was pushing harder against Merlin. His hands were now on Merlin's hips holding him in place, which made it easier for the man on top of him, to hump against his leg like a wild animal.

Merlin's body was pushed hard on the ground, causing abrasions on his exposed skin. Ten seconds passed, and then another ten. The pain had slowly become unbearable. But he was sure it'd all be over soon enough. The pain would not last forever, right? The realization that he might be wrong, caused a moment of panic. Several voices echoed through his head. Some telling him everything was going to be fine, others telling him it wouldn’t ever be again.

Suddenly, Agravaine moved away from him. And for a moment, Merlin thought that it was finally over. But it was not. Agravaine was now pushing down his own trousers, to release his own hard member. This was even worse, the feeling from skin to skin. Merlin felt sick. The pain that was once sharp and burning now felt dull and distant, the only thing he felt was the heavy weight on him. Now he felt like nothing more than an empty husk of the man, who he had been before all of this had happened.

Agravaine's hand violently grabbed Merlin's waist, while the other was now closed around his throat. Merlin couldn’t breath. He was choking. He was going to die in the most humiliating way possible.

Just as Merlin was about to pass out, Agravaine loosened the grip on his throat, laughing when Merlin' fell to the floor and curled up, gasping frantically for air.

“Please… stop-” he muttered under the pressure.

The man above him groaned loudly, and slapped Merlin on his mouth. With a fast movement, he took a grip of Merlin’s hips, and turned him around, so the young man was now lying on his stomach, his head pressed down on the dirty ground.

“Silence looks good on you, don’t you think so too?” Agravaine mumbled under his breath. Merlin whimpered weakly and bowed his head. He closed his eyes, tears leaking from the corners as he waited for Agravaine to finish what he had started. His movements got faster, rubbing over Merlin's ass. The room was filled with the sounds of Agravaines moaning, and Merlin's painful sob.

“Please... “

Agravaine didn’t give Merlin the chance to finish his plea, thrusting back even more frantically than before until he began to shoot his load over Merlin’s back.

He had never known that it was possible to feel so violated.

Merlin felt sick all over again and he scrambled away from Agravaine as he finally released his body. He threw up all over the floor and watched through his tears as the man got up, turned around and left him on the floor, crying and dry heaving.

* * *

The cold crept over Merlin's bare, pale skin and made him shiver. It took at least an hour before he felt able to pick himself up off the ground, and when he did he almost fainted when blood rushed to his head and made the world spin. He was so tired. Tired both because of the pain and tired of having to deal with the pain, but he didn't really have a choice in the matter. Slowly, he got up, sitting on his knees. He felt dirty and everything was sticky. For what felt like hours, he just sat there, staring into the void. All Merlin wanted was to give up. There was no way he could keep feeling like this. It'd probably take a simple and obvious decision to either give up or keep going at this point, but that decision just didn't seem to come. His head felt eerily light, everything seemed to move around him in a blur of motion. Maybe giving up was the right choice, "always listen to your body" they always said. And right now, all he wanted was to close his eyes and just accept his misery. The darkness around him, capturing, crushing him, made him feel in despair. Through the one, small gap on the door, hardly anything could be seen. It felt as if it was always in the middle of the night, like there had been no day in this gray place surrounded by hopelessness. A feeling that he was all too familiar with by now. His body was cold, but he didn't dare to move to put on his clothes again. Every bone and muscle ached, and Merlin was pretty sure that his ribs were sprained, if not broken, making it difficult to breathe. 

_“You have to hold on, Merlin. I'll get you out of here as soon as I have a chance, I promise.”_ he suddenly remembered that voice, the man who had been here with, who sounded awfully a lot like Arthur. He knew that it was impossible, that it had probably been his own imagination playing tricks with him. But still, there was a slight chance that Arthur was out there, looking for him. Until then, Merlin had to keep fighting. He couldn’t let this defeat him. He was a fighter. A survivor…

He had to resist that dark feeling in his gut, telling him that it was hopeless, for Arthur, he had to believe. Everything he ever did, was for him. Merlin was not fighting for himself, he was doing it for Arthur. The thought of ever getting his own happy ending was long gone, but he had to keep going, for Arthurs happy ending. Everything was for him, the man he had secretly loved for so many years. He could survive this, for his mate, for Arthur.

Carefully, Merlin laid down again, pulling his knees close to his exposed body, trying to hold himself together. He could not fall apart, not now. Everything he had been through over the years at Arthur’s side, it had given him strength, something to fight for. Even though he was hurting, his mind wandered to a place, where he had felt safe. A time where everything had been fine. Memories of people and places which brought him comfort. Slowly, he closed his eyes and before he realized, drifted off into a sleep, which made him dream of better days.

* * *

The moonbeams danced wildly on Merlin’s face while he sat on the soft grass and enjoyed the beauty of his surroundings for a few moments. He couldn't even remember the last time he had felt so relaxed, so satisfied. It was the first time in the past few months that he had a moment to himself. But as much as Merlin enjoyed this calming silence around him, he knew that it wouldn’t last forever. Just in a few hours he had to go back. Back to his duties at Arthur’s side. For now, however, he enjoyed being alone.

With a quiet sigh, he watched a small cloud set over the bright full moon. For as long as he could remember, Merlin had always loved the long nights. When the moon lit the dark, which also made it possible to see the stars on the horizon. For whatever reason, it made him feel less alone.

Slowly, Merlin sat up and his gaze wandered to the small lake in front of him. The sight made it seem as if the stars and moon were floating in the water, as if one could bathe in the stars. Relished, he closed his eyes and listened to the noises around him. Even when magic was banned from Camelot, it could not be removed permanently, not from nature. Magic was part of Camelot. It lived in the trees, in the grasses and in the rivers. Everything seemed alive somehow. A cool breeze brushed his skin, followed by the sound of branches rustling.

 _Couldn’t his life always be this quiet?_ Merlin thought. Not that he didn’t love his life, he did, but sometimes he wished for something… more. He spent his days cleaning after the young King, helping Gaius when Arthur was in council meetings, and if not doing that, then he was fighting for Arthur’s destiny, so there was not much time for something like freetime, where Merlin could be doing what he enjoys. Not that anyone would care about what he wants anyway. With a loud sigh, he let himself fall back on the soft grass.

“Lying around doing nothing again, aren’t we, Merlin?” He suddenly heard the voice of Arthur, followed by footsteps approaching his way. But Merlin didn’t flinch, he just closed his eyes again, hoping he would just go away again.

“Don’t pretend as if you didn’t hear me, I know you did.”

Merlin still didn’t change his position, not even when he felt a warm body settling next to him.

“Who are you hiding from?” Arthur softly asked, and gave Merlin a friendly poke on his shoulder.

“Isn’t that obvious?” Merlin groaned. “I’m hiding from you”

The silence around them was disturbed by Arthur’s loud laugh.

“Now you hurt my feelings.”

Merlin just shaked his head, whispering one of his many nicknames for the young king, who apparently hadn’t heard it, or had chosen to ignore it.

For a few minutes they just sat there, both lingering on their thoughts. It was peaceful, and for one moment, Merlin asked himself if that was how it would be like, if Arthur and him were not King and Servant, but just two friends enjoying each other's company. Arthur may not see it the same way, but in Merlin’s opinion, they were so much more than that. Ever since Gwen had left Arthur for Lancelot, they had become closer. But still- they were so many things keeping him and the young King appart. For one, all the secrets between them. Or rather the things Merlin was hiding.

Lying here, with Arthur right by his side, he not for the first time imagined a world where Arthur knew everything about him and his magic Where he could be truly himself, without the fear of rejection or abandonment. But lately it looked like it would take some time to get there, if it ever got that far.

“What’s on your mind?” Arthur broke the silence and laid down besides his friend, facing him with a concerned look. “You’ve been pretty quiet the past few days. I can’t even remember the last time I saw you smile.”

Surprised Merlin opened his eyes. Had he been that obvious, that even Arthur, realized that something had been off? What Merlin didn’t understand was, why Arthur was here, with him. He had so many things to do, instead he was out in the woods, lying next to his servant, asking about his well being. It felt… wrong.

“Why are you here, Arthur?” he asked the question which had been lingering in his mind.

“I asked you first”

A sigh escaped Merlin and he closed his eyes again. He was not sure what he could reveal. Honestly, Merlin was the kind of person to hold everything inside, until a moment where he was alone and could let it all out. Honestly, he didn’t know how to even describe what he was feeling, why he had been so distant lately.

“I don’t know… I just feel like there’s no real reason to smile.” 

It was true. With all that had happened, with Morgana. Uther dying, Morgana becoming Queen and then shortly after got defeated by Arthur. All the threats and wars they were fighting, Merlin more silent with himself. Sometimes it felt as though the weight of his destiny was heavy on his shoulders, pulling him down. He was drowning, and no one was throwing a line.

Slowly, he turned his head to face Arthur, and for the first time he saw that the man beside him, looked worryingly in his eyes. Once again, Merlin was drowning. Not in his feelings or anxiety, but in Arthur’s deep blue eyes. And over again, he noticed his real feelings towards the young King. At first, he tried to deny it, but there was no way denying it, he loved him. He loved Arthur with all his heart and soul. But there was no way the man returned his feelings. Arthur had, and probably always would, love Gwen.

“I’m sorry”, Arthur whispered. 

For the second time this night, Merlin flinched surprised.

“You, apologizing? Maybe there are miracles after all” Merlin said with a little smirk.

Arthur’ hand reached out and ran playfully through Merlin's hair.

“Glad I could make you smile again.”

They laid in silence for a little while. But not an uncomfortable silence. The warm summer air around them blew lightly through the leaves, and you could hear the lapping of the lake. In this moment, both of them felt at peace, listening to the sounds of nature around them. It was a rare moment, but nevertheless, it somehow brought them closer together, made them more vulnerable.

“Merlin…”, Arthur whispered. “Do you think-” he broke off again and suddenly sat up, looking down at Merlin who was staring at him curiously.

“- do you think my mother would be proud of me? Of the man, the King, I became?”

There was such a uncertainty in his voice, so much pain, it almost made Merlin tear up. It was no secret to him, how Arthur felt about himself. His father had always pushed him to his limits, always expecting only the best, there was no room for any kinds of failure or signs of weakness. For most people, the King seemed like a confident ruler, but Merlin knew the truth, the man who was hidden behind that mask. He almost laughed when he thought about how he basically could read and understand Arthur like a book, but on the contrary, Arthur had no idea who was hiding behind the blue eyes.

“I think she would have been really proud of you, Arthur.”, Merlin finally answered, his body moving up so he was once again face to face with the young King.

“And I’m not only saying that because I’m thinking it’s what you want to hear.” He bit his lips and lowered his gaze on his hands. “You know, when I say that you’ll be the greatest King Albion has ever seen- I meant that. Sometimes you might be the biggest dollophead, the Kingdoms have ever seen-” he laughed. “But you show kindness and compassion to the folk. And that’s why the people love you. So yes- I think your mother would be proud of the man you are now, because I am.”

Arthur swallowed hard and nodded, his eyes lingering on Merlin's lips.

Everything around them seemed to stop moving, and for Merlin there were only Arthur’s lips, which were moving dangerously close to his. The air around them was breez **y** , and Merlin could feel goosebumps all over his body. All he had ever wanted, was right in front of him, he just had to move a little bit closer. But he couldn't. Arthur surely didn't felt the same. His heart belonged to Gwen, even though she had broken his heart.

A sudden noise behind them, made them jump apart in a second.

“Oh there you two are! Hiding out in the woods for a make out session- heh?” Gwaine's voice appeared from behind a tree. 

“What- no! We were- eh, just talking about- you know, that thing- uhm…. poetry.” Merlin stuttered. 

Immediately Arthur threw him a sharp look.

“Yeah- poetry…”, the young King added and once again glared incredulously at his servant.

Gwaine looked at Arthur and then at Merlin, wiggled with his eyebrows. “Ah- yes! Leon told me about your sudden interest in- well… poetry.”

“Oh shut up, Gwaine.” Arthur was walking towards their friend and pushed him against a tree. “Come on Merlin, time to get back home.”

Merlin starred at the backs of his friends walking in front of him. Back home, Arthur had said, not knowing that in truth, he was Merlin’s home.

* * *

With a sudden gasp Merlin awoke. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked against the darkness. The first thing he realized was the sudden pain which immediately ran through his body. A sharp pain struck his chest from deep within. It was just a dream, an old memory of a life that was in the past. And yet, he wondered what had become of his friends. Merlin shook his head. There was no point in asking himself such questions in this place, he would never leave it alive.

And suddenly, the memories from last night came back. A fist clamped onto his skin, nails digging deep into the flesh in search of relief of this agony. Sweat was pouring from his forehead, his hands were clammy and trembling and his teeth were gritted. For a moment Merlin focused on the pain, honing in on every sensation. Where it came from, how badly it hurt and how badly he wanted it to stop. But he had to hold on, just a little more. Arthur would come, he was sure of it. Someone would come and save him from this misery. One way or another, the pain would find an end. Until then, he had to keep fighting. And for Arthur, Merlin would do anything in his power to survive this. Because Arthur needed him and he needed Arthur.

The heavy door in the dungeon suddenly swung open again, revealing the by now familiar face.

“Ready for round two?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's a lot. But even tho writing this was really not easy and definitely uncomfortable, it's gonna be a big part of this story. I'ma be honest here, I wanted to write a fanfiction with this topic, because I wanted to write some of my own feelings down. Yes, I've been there as well. So, before you come at me, saying it's horrible and wrong to write a fanfiction about rape, it is a way to help me overcome my own story. The song I tagged at the beginning of the chapter, it speaks volumes. Honestly, it is exactly what I've felt since the day I was raped last year. To say I'm over it, would be a lie. I am still struggling a lot, even tho I mostly act like I am over it, deep down I know I'm just playing myself- anyway, that's the story behind this fanfiction. It's just me using Merlin to vent (and bc of that my poor babe has to suffer- I am apologizing, Merlin. I really do love you a lot!) But I promise Merlin will get his happy ending (not so soon, but he'll definitily get it!)

**Author's Note:**

> *whispering* "I am so sorry Merlin, I love you"  
> This wasn't even the worst that's gonna happen to him... (I'm sorry!) anyway, much more paint to come our way :)
> 
> As always, Kudos and comments are what motivates an author! See you for the next chapter <3


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